The holiday season is here! This is the time of year when many people look forward to spending time with their families and creating memories that last forever. But the holidays are also a time of year that some people dread. If spending significant time with your family causes anxiety, you are not alone. Here are 3 tips on how to cope during the holidays.

Create a Script

Family gatherings often involve family members asking the same questions/comments over and over again. “When are you going to get a boyfriend?” “When are you two getting married?” “When are you going to have kids?” “That’s a nice car. Are you sure you can afford it?” “You really need to spend more time with your grandparents. They aren’t going to be here forever.” These comments can feel very uncomfortable and invasive and lead to arguments or feelings of low self-esteem.

Having a script prepared can help with knowing what to say in these moments, without completely becoming too engulfed in the conversation. For example, if a family member asks when you and your husband are going to have kids, a response could be “We aren’t sure yet. There are a lot of things we want to consider before making that huge step in our family. This seems to be a question that you ask often. As soon as we decide to move forward with having kids, we promise you will be the first to know.”

I like this response because not only are you answering the question in a polite way, but you are acknowledging that this person has brought this topic up several times. Sometimes, bringing this to the person’s attention can help them realize that they are becoming a broken record.

It’s important to understand that creating a script does not necessarily result in your family member finally understanding your point of view. They may even continue to ask over and over again. The goal is to create a respectful response and then disengage. Disengaging is the key to setting boundaries. Getting wrapped up in these conversations with your loved ones can cause frustration, anger, sadness, or even shame. Stick to the script and if your family member continues to pry, repeat the same statement again.

For example, after you explain that you are still considering many options before having children and a family member says, “Well don’t wait too long or you won’t be able to have a baby.” There are plenty of options for you to disengage:

·       You can say “Ok, thank you for the advice.” And walk away

·       You can repeat the original response.

·       Or you can repeat the response in a similar way. “Yes, this is one of the things we are considering during our private conversations.”

Not allowing the conversation to continue is a form of boundary-setting. Remember, you cannot control what others say or do, but you can control how much energy you put into the conversation. Continuing conversations that make you uncomfortable only sets you up to feel painful feelings.

Remember, You Can Leave Whenever You’d Like

 If there are painful memories associated with your childhood home, visiting the home as an adult can trigger similar feelings as you had as a child. One thing I tell my clients to remember when returning to their childhood homes is that they can leave at any time. You are no longer a child who has little control. You are now an adult and if you’d like to leave, you can. Sure, your family may be upset with you for leaving, but you still have all the control in the situation. A great technique I share with my clients is to hold your keys in your hand when you become anxious or triggered. This can help you remember that you have a car (or a way of leaving), and you can leave if you’d like. I am certainly not suggesting that running away from your problems is an effective way to deal with stress. However, a form of boundary setting is not allowing others to disrespect you and protect your energy. Leaving a toxic situation can show the other person that you will not allow them to disrespect you.

You can also set this boundary ahead of time. For example, if your family often says unkind things about your children’s mother whom you have recently divorced and you do not want your children to hear these things, you can simply tell your family that if you hear them saying unkind things to your children about their mother, you will leave and limit their interactions with your children as a result. Remember, you cannot force people to stop doing hurtful things, but you can give them a natural consequence for their negative behaviors. If your family would like you to continue to spend the holidays with them, they will need to learn to respect your boundaries. If they cannot, that shows that they prioritize saying whatever they want over spending time with you and your children.

Only Share What You Feel Comfortable Sharing

Family time usually consists of updating everyone about their lives. This could be sharing academic updates about your children, doctors' visits, or relationship issues. Make sure to only share what you feel comfortable sharing. If you have a trusting relationship with your family, you may feel comfortable sharing most things about your life without the fear of being judged. But if your family has used painful information you have shared in arguments against you, shared sensitive information with others, made hurtful jokes, or judged you for past mistakes, they may not be the people to share sensitive aspects of your life with. Feel free to have light conversations like:

·       Television Shows or Movies You’ve Seen

·       Career Goals

·       Funny moments With Your Children

·       Childhood Memories

But if you do not feel emotionally safe with your family, try to avoid conversations like:

·       Political Views (if you know you have opposing views)

·       Relationship issues with your spouse

·       Money

·       Any topics that caused you to have painful feelings in the past

Avoiding these conversations will help you protect your peace. If a family member asks about something you do not feel comfortable sharing with them, simply explain that similar conversations in the past have resulted in an argument so you’d like to refrain from talking about that with them.

I hope this helps with setting boundaries with your loved ones during the holiday season. Remember, every situation is different. One person may be able to set boundaries by staying in a hotel when they visit their family for the holidays while another person may not be able to afford that or there may be no hotel in the area. When visiting family brings you anxiety just think:

·       How can I make myself the most comfortable while spending time with my family?

·       Is my family so toxic/abusive that I need to consider no longer communicating with them?

·       In a perfect world, what would my family dynamics be like? (If you know your family isn’t capable of meeting those wishes, how can you work towards acceptance?)

If you would like some assistance in setting boundaries with your family, schedule a free 15-minute consultation to learn more about how I can help prioritize your peace over family obligations.