As a therapist in Bel Air, MD, I see many clients who seek therapy services and do not understand the impact of the traumatic experiences on their adult issues. The term “trauma” is a buzz word at this time, but I find that sometimes people have a hard time deciphering if their experiences are considered trauma. I had the honor of interviewing another therapist, Alice Zic, LCSW, who sees clients in Virginia and Connecticut and specializes in childhood trauma and parentification. The goal of this blog is to gain an understanding of how childhood trauma and parentification plays a role in anxiety and unhealthy relationship dynamics. Check out some helpful information from another therapist who specializes in this area.

Childhood trauma and parentification are buzzwords that we hear often. How would you define these terms?

I help parentified and mother wounded women and daughters of immigrants heal from childhood trauma and thrive. Parentification is a role reversal in which the child accelerates into adulthood, becomes the parent, assumes adult responsibilities and/or parents their parents/caretakers in a manner that is developmentally inappropriate.

I usually view childhood trauma as multifaceted. I often see it as a lack of protection, guidance, and nurturance within important caregiving relationships, along with repeated and recurring breaks without repair in those relationships. Additionally, there is often a lack of protection, guidance, and nurturance in the systemic and community environment. Some common signs of childhood trauma include:

• Not having your needs met or being unsure of when or how they will be met

• Being terrified or afraid of people/adults who are supposed to show you love and care

• Being continually and unexpectedly shamed

• Feeling unsafe, unprotected, and surrounded by unpredictability

• Not having your boundaries honored and respected

• Taking care of adults and/or children around you rather than being taken care of

• A perpetual feeling of being on edge and feeling unable to relax

What is one myth or misconception you hear about childhood trauma?

One of the biggest misconceptions I hear is that, "well my parents had it hard, so I need to be grateful” and “my parents tried their best so its can’t be considered trauma." When we are young, we need to rely on our parents--of course we have a loyal, caring part that shows up for them. At the same time, just because we care for them does not mean they can't be wrong or that they can't cause us harm (especially if they were unable to model accountability and repair). Trauma involves anything that impacts us beyond our ability to manage. That can happen even if parents have tough lives and are trying their best.

What are some common ways you see parentification show up throughout childhood?

In childhood, parentification tends to manifest in a few ways. Typically, it involves the child providing practical support to the parent of caregiver that is beyond what is developmentally appropriate and/or the child offering emotional support that exceeds what is suitable for their age. The key is that it is never developmentally appropriate.

Practical support can include a young child cooking and cleaning for the entire family, completing logistical tasks (like taxes, groceries, health care navigation, and interpretation), taking on a job to help support the household, and being responsible for the care of other adults and/or younger siblings. Emotional support can include nurturing other adults and/or children in the household, acting as a pseudo parent or a pseudo spouse to a parent, and acting as a pseudo parent to a sibling.

It's also important to note that certain systemic issues can create the opportunity for parentification in a family system (systemic oppression, community violence, immigration, lack of free/low-cost child care, poverty) by limiting systemic and financial supports for families and creating situations in which children feel obligated or are made to feel obligated to step in in order to help the family survive.

How does parentification throughout childhood affect people in adulthood?

Throughout childhood, parentification often disrupts your relationship with your internal world. This means that, during childhood, when you are supposed to develop the opportunity to understand your needs, desires, how to exist in relationship with others (beginning with your family), you instead spend your entire childhood focused on the needs of others and taking care of them. There tends to be a sense of urgency to make sure tasks are done so that others are safe, protected, or so that another family member is not angry or upset. When your needs are brought up, they are often ignored or dismissed as "selfish."

In adulthood, this tends to manifest as high-functioning anxiety, perfectionism, hyper-independence, and people-pleasing. It's hard to make mistakes, ask for help, or to slow down: you always have to stay productive because, if you're not, you feel like you're being bad. And bad is scary and uncomfortable. So, you keep going until eventually you burnout.

In relationships, you often take on the "caretaker" role. In childhood, parentification does not teach you how to be taken care of or how to exist equitably in relationships (including romantic relationships), so parentified children are more likely to wind up in relationships that feel toxic, where they wind up taking on everything, and may even become resentful.

What are some tips you can give for people who have experienced childhood trauma?

Explore what the younger you would have liked and do that as an adult. This can become a fun exercise in giving yourself opportunities you did not have as a child and exploring new activities now.

Give yourself permission to make mistakes. Rather than seeing them as "failures" remind yourself that mistakes are learning opportunities to do better in the future

That discomfort that hits when you're not productive? Start to befriend it. That discomfort is an old childhood wound telling you to go back to doing chores...or else. What if you sat with it for a little bit and got to know it? What does it need? What would it have to tell you? As you get to know it, would it stay uncomfortable? Or would it start to open up new possibilities?

Practice being taken care of. Let a friend do a favor for you, or ask a friend or partner to make your day easier with a simple gift of gratitude or task. This is part of being in relationships rather than you always taking on every task.

Do you notice a pattern with parentification and eldest daughters in the family?

I do tend to see this pattern come up time and time again. When parentification shows up in a family, eldest daughters in childhood tend to have experiences where the "pseudo parent" and "pseudo spouse" roles fall onto them. They become de facto nurturers, both for adults and for other siblings in the house. It creates a lot of pressure early on, and to make sure everyone else in the family system is in line and calm and that pressure can continue well into adulthood.

Can you give us an idea of what therapy with you is like?

I like to use the word containing. Therapy with me is a container for the safe, scary, and shameful parts. And it's also a creative space. I love to embrace art-based tools to help you express the things that are hard to use words for sometimes. We get to go with the flow together and truly work as partners. I am a deeply compassionate therapist and I love this work (and don't worry, I will call you on your stuff and help you grow!)

Do you feel like you have experienced childhood trauma and/or parentification?

The purpose of this blog is to shed light on what childhood trauma and parentification really is. In this day and age, therapists often see well meaning people using therapeutic terms incorrectly. This leads to confusion and misinformation.

After reading this blog, do you have a better understanding of what these terms really mean? Do you now feel like you may have experienced this in your childhood? If so, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

About the Author

Hi! My name is Chenelle Ellie and I’m a therapist located in Bel Air, MD who specializes in relationship anxiety and difficult mother daughter relationships. Do you find yourself in romantic relationships where you naturally step into the caretaking role? Do you have a hard time saying no to your boss when he asks you to do tasks that are not within your job description and you are getting nothing out of taking on these extra tasks? Do you notice that the expectations for you are noticeably higher compared to the expectations of others in your family?

Learn How to Finally Enjoy Your Relationships With Help From a Therapist in Bel Air, MD

Therapy is meant to be an environment to give you the freedom and safety to explore your needs and find the solutions that work for you. As a therapist, I see the power that my clients uncover when they feel safe enough to say the things that they were shamed for in the past. Let’s come together to explore what your needs are and find ways to get those needs met. Will this journey be difficult? Probably. But relief from anxiety in your relationships is possible!

I find that people who have experienced childhood trauma are often shamed into staying stuck in relationship patterns that mainly benefit the other person. Come to therapy and get help deciphering if these experiences were healthy or meant to keep you compliant. Still not sure if therapy is right for you? Schedule a free 15 min consultation with me to see if I’d be a good fit for you. If I am not the therapist that you feel comfortable with, I will help you get in the right direction.

Alice is such a wealth of knowledge! I appreciate her taking the time out to provide us with information on how to view childhood trauma in a way that helps people better understand the impact. Learn more about Alice’s services here!