Do you love reality tv as much as I do? The messier, the better! Married at First Sight couples have been divorcing left and right, but it still makes for great tv! A lot of viewers seem to be team Shaquille, but I am team Kirsten all the way (and team couple/love of course). Check out my thoughts on their most recent argument below.

**The names in this blog reference the cast of Married at First Sight Season 16**

Spilling the Tea on Shaquille and Kirsten’s Most Recent Argument

On the most recent episode of Married at First Sight, Shaquille and Kirsten seem to be having a hard time with emotional intimacy. Shaquille is becoming frustrated because he feels like he is the only one opening up.

Yes, Kirsten has some difficulty with opening up, but it is clear that she is struggling and she doesn’t know how to start the process of creating emotional intimacy. I am team Kirsten all the way! There are plenty of reasons why it may be difficult for someone to open up. I’m not sure what’s going on with Kirsten, but the way she was balling her eyes out on the after-show tells me there’s something deeper going on. If Kirsten was outright refusing to discuss anything with Shaquille, I would understand Shaquille’s frustration more, but it seems like Shaquille is still frustrated about Kirsten’s lack of attraction in the beginning and I think it’s time to let that go. 

Also, Shaquille seems to feel like his desire for emotional intimacy is being ignored and I disagree! Give the girl some time to get comfortable! Just because it is easier for you to open up, doesn’t mean you need to push her to open up on your timeline. If I were her, this behavior would make me shut down even more!

Where Are the Freakin Experts?!?!

I may be team Kirsten, but Shaquille’s concerns are valid, especially because the couples only have 8 weeks to decide if they would like to stay married or get a divorce. So where are the experts?!?!  If this couple had a little guidance, it would go a long way. Most couples have plenty of time to get to know one another, but these couples have the added stress of meeting each other at the altar and then instantly moving in together! Also, this franchise clearly needs to hire another professional that specializes in sex and intimacy because as of now, there’s only one couple thriving in this department. 

There are so many people that are against couples therapy or therapy in general. If you are struggling with communication in your relationship, therapy can help provide a safe space for you and your partner to discuss tough topics. It’s not a therapist’s job to tell you what to do (I hear this opinion often). A couple’s therapist can help by asking the necessary questions that you may not think of that could help get to the bottom of some of the issues. A couple’s therapist can also give you tools to learn how to best communicate with your partner. Remember, learning how to communicate with your partner in a way they will best receive the information is the key to a healthy relationship.

Shaquille Needs to be Patient and Let Go of His Ego!

It feels like Shaquille is still in his feelings about Kirsten not being physically attracted to him in the beginning of the relationship. But I’m with Kirsten, his unwillingness to have more patience with her is not going to help their marriage. 

Instead of demanding that Kirsten open up, he could benefit from making it clear that he is willing to go deeper with her when she is ready and feels safe enough to do so. Building a lasting and healthy relationship takes time and it is ok if one partner doesn’t want to share their deepest darkest secrets right off the bat. Yes, they only have 8 weeks to decide if they want to stay married, but she still has some time to open up to him!

 If you’d like to know what you need to do in order for your partner to feel safe enough to share difficult things, just ask. You could phrase it like this, “It seems like it is difficult for you to really open up to me. I completely understand because we are new to getting to know each other. I just want you to know that I am open to learning more about you when you feel comfortable enough to share. No pressure! “. Reassuring your partner that you are willing to take things at their pace could make them feel safe enough to start sharing difficult things with you. Trying to force your partner to open up can result in them shutting down even more, because you aren’t creating a safe space for them. 

Ask Your Partner What They Need from You and be Specific!

Shaquille asked Kirsten in this clip what Kirsten needs from him in order for her to open up to him more. Kirsten said that she needs more quality time with Shaquille. He is clearly confused by this statement because he feels like he spends more than enough time with Kirsten. Kirsten on the other hand, disagrees.

As a therapist, I see this happen often. One partner thinks they are doing enough, and the other partner disagrees. I always recommend that you ask follow-up questions and clarify your partner’s definitions of the words they use. Shaquille’s definition of quality of time may be different from Kirsten’s definition. Shaquille may think that spending a couple of hours at night before bed is enough quality time while Kirsten may desire date nights once a week, mid-day phone calls, and time before bed.

Remember, ask your partner what they need from you and ask follow-up questions until you fully understand their needs!

When to Rethink the Relationship or Seek Counseling

Here are some red flags to look out for:

·       Your partner refuses to open up and makes no plans to start to open up in the future.

·       Your partner is unwilling to create a plan on how to address these issues moving forward.

·       Your partner refuses to talk about the issues in the relationship.

·       Your partner refuses to go to couples counseling (especially if you are married).

·       Your partner does not prioritize your feelings or only cares about their feelings/needs.

I see none of these red flags with Kirsten by the way! She is clearly having a hard time, but she is always willing to have the tough conversations. It just seems like she doesn’t know where the start.

There are so many reasons why people struggle in romantic relationships. There could be a history of trauma, attachment issues, domestic violence, or a history of emotional or sexual abuse. So, try to assess your own situation the best that you can. If you are able to repair the relationship and grow from your issues, great! If you ultimately feel like the relationship no longer serves you, it’s ok to end the relationship.

Are You a Shaquille or a Kirsten?

Many couples struggle with these issues outside of reality tv. Are you a Kirsten or a Shaquille in your life? If you are a Kirsten, you may have some difficulty in your past that makes it difficult for you to open up. It’s ok if you are not an open book with everyone. Maybe you just need someone to have patience with you and allow you the space to open up when you’re ready. Or if you notice that it is hard for you to open up to anyone, no matter how safe you feel, talking to a therapist could help!

If you’re a Shaquille, you love diving into deep, emotionally driven conversations and you may struggle to slow down the pace with a partner who struggles in that area. Everyone may not feel comfortable engaging at your pace and that is ok, but if your partner is not willing to try at all, you may need to consider if the relationship serves you.

Your happiness and well-being are important. If you would like some help with exploring your relationship further with a therapist in Bel Air, MD, call 301-467-4735 or visit our contact page to schedule a free consultation. You can also click here to learn more about how Chenelle can support you with relationship anxiety in Bel Air, MD. Sometimes bouncing your thoughts off a professional can help you see your relationship more clearly!