If you are anything like me, you want to show as much support to your loved ones as possible. I want to babysit, be available for a random motivational phone call, spend the day helping to unpack a friend’s house, or do anything to help the people I care about. But at the end of the day, there is isn’t enough time in the day to do all of that and still take care of myself and the responsibilities I have for my husband and kids. As a therapist, I help my clients find the balance of caring for others and caring for themselves. Here are 7 ways to help you find that balance!

1)Understand Your Limits

We all have our limits. Sometimes, we are so focused on productivity, that we neglect our own needs and desires. Understanding your limits is the key to not becoming overwhelmed while caring for others.

Have you ever spent the entire day with a friend doing everything they want to do because they were going through something and you wanted to support them? Then you get home and you feel exhausted and drained? Sure, in the moment, you probably felt fine. But when you got home, your body was literally screaming at you to rest. This might be a sign that you overdid it during the day.

Checking in on how your body is reacting to a person or a situation is how you learn to understand your limits. If spending a whole day hoping on the metro in DC from place to place was too exhausting, that’s ok!

You can always let your friend know the next time she asks to hang out that you’d love to hang out, but let’s stick to one place this time.

2)Practice Active Communication

Once you understand your limits, then, you can communicate those limits to your loved ones. Understanding the other person and understanding yourself is key to effectively communicating.

If you love visiting your family for the holidays, but you only want to stay for a few days, try communicating your desire to spend time with the family while also communicating your boundaries at the same time. For example, if your mother often becomes angry when you try to cut the visit short, try saying “I love spending time with you during the holidays! But since I’ve been living on my own for the past few years, I’ve learned that it’s important that I also get some alone time to rest and recharge. So moving forward, I’ll only be staying for a week at a time. I’ve noticed that if I stay longer than that, I become over stimulated and exhausted.”

By communicating like this, you are first warning your mother that the visit will only be a week, so she may not be as disappointed when you leave after a week. You’re also letting her know that you don’t want to leave because you don’t enjoy spending time with your family, you NEED to leave because it’s a part of your self care regimen.

Knowing how your mother usually responds and disarming her before she becomes offended is a great way to start a productive conversation. It doesn’t always work, but if it doesn’t, at least you know you tried to prioritize her feelings.

Also, this is an excellent way to balance advocating for yourself while still showing support for your family by being present during the holidays.

3)Self Care as a Foundation

Getting adequate rest is just one form of self care. Creating an effective self care regimen involves understanding your personal needs. Some people need time to themselves in between social events to recharge. Other people may prioritize yoga to help clear their mind to decrease their anxiety. Another person may enjoy going to counseling which allows them to create a time once a week to process their feelings.

The media often portrays self care as mani pedis and vacations on the beach. Those activities can be very relaxing and refreshing, but there are more simple and cheap options that can also give you a sense of peace.

The key to creating a self care plan is understanding your limits and what brings you peace. Try to think about what makes you happy, calm, excited, fulfilled, or relaxed and create your own self care regimen. If you need help, reach out to a therapist for further support.

4)Delegate and Seek Help

Sometimes we get into the habit of automatically helping people. This isn’t necessarily a problem, unless you are ignoring your own needs and draining yourself in order to help your loved ones.

Instead of jumping in to save the day on your own, try delegating tasks to other people. When my mother passed away earlier this year, I was so overwhelmed with all the stress of tending to her affairs. My family members split up responsibilities among themselves in order to relieve the amount of stress that was built up for me. My aunt stayed on hold for days with different representatives and reported her findings back to me. My grandmother took charge of the program for the funeral and my uncle drove around and picked up flowers, documents, or anything else I needed.

What made this process so effective, was that each person in my family tended to the tasks that they were good at or that they enjoyed. My uncle loves to drive, so he didn't mind running errands. My grandmother already had a relationship with the church, so it was comfortable for her to tend to the program with her church members. And my aunt is a people person, so she did not mind being on the phone for hours with the representatives.

The key to delegating tasks is to first recognize that you don’t need to be the only one to help. Then, identify the strengths of the people in your support system and utilize those strengths accordingly. Work smarter, not harder.

5)Set Realistic Expectations

Setting realistic expectations is something I discuss often as a therapist. I find that we often set too high or unrealistic expectations for ourselves. This sets ourselves up for disappointment and frustration when we don’t meet those expectations. Instead, let’s set realistic expectations for ourselves and others so we can make the most effective plan possible.

If you don’t like to have overnight visitors and a friend who likes to spend the night comes over at 8 pm because she just broke up with a boyfriend, offer to go to her house instead. That way, you can leave when you’re ready and you are still offering your time to provide support.

6)Embrace Flexibility

If you have already committed to helping someone and your personal circumstances have changed, don’t be afraid to cancel your plans. Things happen and anyone who values you as a person will understand if you can no longer keep your commitment.

7)Learn to Say No

Sometimes there is no other option but to say no and that is ok. If you have exhausted all of the options to support a family member and all of those options leave you feeling drained or takes away from your wellbeing, saying no is a great option.

Saying no is a from of boundary setting. If compromising is not an option for you, you can say no in a way where the other person feels validated and loved.

If a cousin asks you to help her move into her new apartment and this would interfere with your ability to prepare for your daughter’s birthday party the next day, you can say “ I would love to help you move, especially since you helped me move last year and I really appreciated it. Unfortunately, I can’t because Mya’s party is the next day and I need all the time I can get to prepare for that. But, I can stop by next weekend and help you unpack. I’ll even bring take out and wine!”

In this example, you would be saying no, but also letting the other person know that you wish you could help and how much you appreciate all that they do for you.

Remember, the key to creating a balance of supporting your loved ones and prioritizing yourself is knowing your limits and communicating your boundaries in a thoughtful way.

You cannot control how the other person reacts, but if you don’t prioritize yourself, no one else will. Overextending yourself for your loved ones will leave you feeling drained and resentful. Prioritizing self care leads to you being able to show up for your loved ones more effectively. Also remember that saying no does not make you a mean or selfish person, it makes you a healthier person! You are important too!

Need Help From a Therapist to Set Boundaries?

My favorite word is boundary. Setting appropriate physical and emotional boundaries is an essential component in self care. If you need help creating a plan to support your loved ones while also prioritizing your own needs, contact me. I am a black therapist in Bel Air, MD. I offer telehealth appointments and can service people in the states of Maryland, Virginia, D.C. and Florida.

I specialize in relationship anxiety. I find that most people who experience relationship anxiety have issues with proper boundary setting. Let’s help you create a plan to not only help others, but to prioritize you! You’re worth it!