How Childhood Trauma or Different Family Experiences Create Anxiety in Adulthood
People commonly debate whether their childhood experiences are considered “trauma”. Many people feel like the word trauma is overused in our society. Trauma is an emotional response to a distressing or terrible event. When the obvious factors are involved like rape, physical abuse, natural disasters, soldiers at war, or domestic violence, it is easy to identify trauma in your life. But there are plenty of people who experience emotional distress outside the parameters the media provides.
Here are some examples of trauma and distressing events experienced in childhood that can negatively affect us well into adulthood:
Financial Issues
When you grow up with little to no money, you take those memories into your adulthood. Maybe you grew up with so little money that you went without food for long periods of time. This could cause you to hoard food in adulthood. Instead of buying food you anticipate eating within the next week or two, you buy can foods every time you go shopping just in case you experience financial hurdles in the future. Here is a list of other financial experiences throughout childhood that can show up in adulthood:
Watching your parents struggle financially could make you not want to add to their stress. You may not ask for the toys you really want or try out for the sports team because you know your parents cannot afford the equipment or other expenses. As an adult, you may see yourself as a burden, often putting others’ needs ahead of your own. You never want to add stress to others’ lives. You may not request that you go to a different restaurant because the restaurant you usually go to does not have enough vegan options. You may allow a boyfriend to insult you or belittle you because he has a lot on his plate.
Growing up, you didn’t have to think about money. You didn’t have an excessive amount of money, but you had enough to spend time with friends, receive your first car as a teenager, and attend the best schools. As an adult, you may feel pressure to immolate a similar lifestyle. If you aren’t able to make a similar amount of money, you may feel like a failure or that your life will never be satisfying.
You may watch a parent go shopping when they are stressed. Once they come home, they look so much happier. You may start to use shopping as a coping skill to relieve painful emotions as an adult and this could take away from your savings.
Witnessing a parent lose their job can be traumatic. In some situations, a child notices the shift in lifestyle and this can cause anxiety in adulthood. An adult may be so fearful of losing their job that they accept abuse or being taken advantage of in the workplace out of fear of losing their job.
It is important to recognize the messages we learn about money throughout childhood. This could help us heal our relationship with money in adulthood.
Emotional Abuse or Family Relationship Issues
You may have heard stories of children being called names, told they would never amount to anything, or abandoned. These or similar situations are easy to identify as emotional abuse. But there are plenty of adults who have experienced hardships in their relationships with family members. Sometimes it’s not easy to process these experiences. Some family relationship issues include:
·Wanting to feel emotionally connected with a family member but feeling like that family member is not interested in the same type of relationship. This could look like wanting to talk to your father about topics other than sports or wanting to spend quality time with your mom, but it feels like she is more interested in dating than spending time with you.
Parents constantly comparing you to your siblings, cousins, or peers.
Parents treating children differently based on gender norms.
Not being allowed to spend time outside of the home, church, and/or school due to parents’ fear or anxiety of something happening to you.
Parents making fun of or not taking your mental health issues seriously.
Parents share too much of their personal life and not modeling appropriate boundary setting. This could look like discussing marital issues with a child or other adult situations. There are certain topics that children should not be involved in.
Being too rigid in parenting and not allowing children to make mistakes.
Giving children adult responsibilities. This could look like having an older sibling be responsible for their younger siblings for the majority of the time or an older sibling being responsible for the majority of cooking, cleaning, and disciplining a younger sibling.
Being expected to behave outside of your developmental stage. Expecting a toddler to have an extreme amount of empathy. Having the mindset that children should be seen, not heard.
Sometimes families go through hard times and children are asked to step up temporarily to help. These children are told how much they are appreciated and once the family is stable again, the responsibilities or issues vanish. But there are some children who grow up thinking that their self-worth is wrapped up in what they can do for others. They may also feel like they are indebted to their parents because they brought them into this world, so they prioritize their parents’ needs above their own. This can cause the children to become people pleasers as adults. It is most important to make everyone around them happy, because that is the only way anyone will stay. If I don’t keep a clean house, cook delicious meals for my family every night, and tend to our young children 95% of the time, my husband will leave me. It doesn’t matter that I don’t make doctor appointments for myself or exercise. It is most important that my husband and children are happy.
Religion
Religious practices can be one of the most important pillars in a family unit. Although there are very important and beneficial values religion can instill in children, there are some common experiences that cause distress in children. Since religious practices tend to be passed down through generations, parents are not always open to exploring a child’s views if they are different from their religion. Some common negative experiences within religious practices throughout childhood could be:
A child feeling like they have no say in whether they practice the family’s religion or not feeling like they can explore a religion or denomination that may be more congruent with their values or beliefs.
A family’s religious practices may interfere with a child’s social opportunities.
If a child’s views or sexuality is outside the practices in their church or place of worship, a child may feel the need to repress that side of themselves.
There are plenty of individuals that have beautiful experiences with the cultures and religions practiced in their families, but there are some children who do not believe in every aspect of their religion. Challenging your family’s religious beliefs can cause a lot of discomfort or negative reactions within the family because many people take a lot of pride in their religion. If that way of thinking is not welcomed in the family unit, a child can grow up confused about their own values or continue to live their lives inauthentically. When you suppress your own values, this can lead to feelings of resentment or lack of fulfillment in your life.
The Importance of Recognition
Even though you may not be able to label your experiences as trauma, it is important to recognize that some childhood experiences hurt you. There are some family members who intend to inflict harm on you, while there are other situations where family members unintentionally hurt you. It’s important to acknowledge that even though a family member does not mean to hurt you, you were still hurt. Telling yourself that a family member was dealing with their own issues and therefore hurt you unknowingly, does not take your pain away.
Processing these situations and your feelings with a therapist can help you finally address these feelings so you can identify a course of action moving forward. Maybe you’ve tried to talk to your family about how you feel and you don’t feel heard in these conversations. You may get to the point where limited time with your family is better for your overall mental health. Or maybe you experience anxiety even thinking about challenging your family’s experiences throughout your childhood. Therapy can help you push through those uncomfortable feelings to finally be able to speak your truth. You have the right to feel any of your feelings. You have the right to be heard. You have the right to be authentically you.
Help With Your Childhood Trauma
Therapy is an excellent tool to help people who have experienced childhood trauma. Even if you haven’t experienced trauma, feeling misunderstood or unheard can have long-lasting painful effects that show up in adulthood. If you would like to learn more about how therapy can help, schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation for counseling in Bel Air, MD. Getting the perspective from someone outside of your circle could make a world of difference with your anxiety.