Mother Hunger: Insights From a Therapist
Hi! It's your local Maryland therapist again with more therapeutic resources! One of my specialties is "Mother Hunger." Today, I will be outlining what Mother Hunger is and ways to heal. If you are an adult daughter who has struggled to connect with your mother, this is the blog for you. As a Mother Hunger Facilitator, I will provide you with further information on the term Mother Hunger and options for healing from this attachment wound.
My Personal Experience With Mother Hunger
Chenelle Ellie and her mother
My mother was a single mom since I was 3 years old. For as long as I can remember, I wanted a closer relationship with my mom. Sure, we lived together and all of my physical, academic, and health needs were met, but I craved a deeper connection with her. I wanted to know more about her life and her experiences as a young woman before she became a mom. I was often met with confusion and irritation from my mom when I asked “too many questions”.
These interactions left me confused and insecure. Maybe I am nosey or too pushy. Or maybe I am too sensitive and I need to just learn to appreciate the my mother more. There are people out there with no mothers or mothers that abuse them, so maybe I need to practice more gratitude.
I tried the mani pedi dates and begging my mom to go to family counseling with me, but nothing seemed to work. On the outside, we seemed to have the perfect mother-daughter relationship. So why do I still feel so disconnected from her?
There is a term for this feeling and it’s called Mother Hunger.
What is Mother Hunger?
Mother Hunger is a term created by Kelly McDaniel to describe what it feels like to grow up without a quality of mothering that imprints emotional worth and relational security. It can set in during infancy or before language forms, thus becoming a "normal" part of you”.
In Kelly McDaniel’s book “Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance”, Kelly explores the term Mother Hunger in depth. This term encapsulates the longing for maternal nurturance, guidance, and protection, often experienced by women who feel emotionally disconnected from their mothers. This profound yearning can stem from various factors, including childhood experiences, familial dynamics, and societal influences.
As a therapist, I've witnessed firsthand the impact of Mother Hunger on women’s' emotional well-being and their relationships. Mother hunger encompasses the deep-seated longing for emotional nourishment, validation, and presence from one's mother figure. It's more than just a desire for physical care; it's a fundamental need for maternal nurturance and understanding. Many adult daughters who experience mother hunger describe feeling a sense of emptiness or longing for a connection they never received.
The 3 Pillars of Mother Hunger
Nurturance: This pillar encompasses the emotional care and support individuals seek from their mothers. It involves feeling nurtured, loved, and emotionally nourished by one's mother figure. Without this nurturance, individuals may experience feelings of emptiness or longing for maternal love and affection.
Protection: Protection refers to the sense of safety and security that individuals crave from their mothers. It involves feeling protected from harm, both physically and emotionally, and having a safe haven to turn to in times of need. Without this sense of protection, individuals may feel vulnerable or exposed, longing for the comfort and security of their mother's presence.
Guidance: Guidance involves the wisdom, guidance, and direction that individuals seek from their mothers. It encompasses receiving advice, mentorship, and support in navigating life's challenges and decisions. Without this guidance, individuals may feel lost or uncertain, longing for the guidance and wisdom of their mother's counsel.
What Are The Causes Of Mother Hunger
It’s important to note that Mother Hunger is not about playing the blame game. The goal isn’t to blame your mother for your misfortunes. Mother Hunger focuses on the adult daughter. Yes, the book goes into details about ways that Mother Hunger can grow, but the focus is on healing the adult daughters, not shaming our mothers.
That being said, there are many causes of Mother Hunger:
A mother not knowing how to attune to her daughter’s needs
A mother who is abusive to her daughter
A mother who allows others to abuse her daughter without stepping in to stop the abuse
A daughter who feels misunderstood by her mother
A mother who treats a daughter more like a peer than a child
A mother who prioritizes others over her daughter’s emotional or physical well being
This is just a few examples of ways to create Mother Hunger. Remember, your mother may not have done these things intentionally, but that doesn’t erase the pain that you feel.
What Are The Symptoms of Mother Hunger?
Mother and Daughter
Craving a closer connection with your mother when your mother is unwilling to acknowledge your pain or change her hurtful behaviors
Constantly dreaming about the day when your mom will apologize for the hurt she caused you
Experiencing difficulties in your relationships with other women
Experiencing difficulties in your romantic relationships
Coping with the pain with substance, sex, and food
Low self esteem
Feelings of emptiness
Seeking solace in other older women because your connection with your mother is nonexistent
Ways to Heal From Mother Hunger
Healing mother hunger involves acknowledging and validating one's experiences while actively working towards self-nurturance, self-protection, and self-guidance. Therapy can provide a supportive space for exploring and processing feelings related to mother hunger, while also offering tools and strategies for building healthier relationships and self-esteem. Additionally, practicing self-compassion, engaging in self-care activities, and cultivating supportive connections can all contribute to the healing process. It's important to approach healing mother hunger with patience, understanding, and a commitment to self-discovery and growth.
What You Will Get Out Of A Mother Hunger Group
Healing from Mother Hunger is a personal and individual journey. A key factor of healing is finding a community of women who understands your experiences. This where Mother Hunger Groups come in.
Mother Hunger Groups are psychoeducational groups, not therapy groups. Psychoeducational groups focus on providing information, teaching skills, and fostering personal growth within a structured format. These groups often aim to enhance understanding of specific topics or issues and offer practical strategies for coping and self-improvement.
On the other hand, therapy groups involve a therapeutic process facilitated by a trained therapist, where members share and explore their experiences, emotions, and interpersonal dynamics. Therapy groups typically aim to promote emotional healing, enhance self-awareness, and foster supportive connections among participants.
While both types of groups can be beneficial, psychoeducational groups tend to emphasize education and skill-building, whereas therapy groups focus on emotional processing and personal transformation.
Although my Mother Hunger groups are considered psychoeducational groups, In my experience, Mother Hunger group participants leave the group with a starting point for their healing journey. They understand how they can move forward in their journey and find a community of women who understand their pain. This can be very powerful because many times we suffer in silence thinking that we are alone and there is something wrong with us,
You may have experienced your loved ones dismissing your pain or overly empathizing with your mother. In Mother Hunger Groups, you are surrounded by other women who can relate to your story.
Are You Ready to Join a Mother Hunger Group?
Chenelle Ellie, LCSW-C, Mother Hunger Facilitator
Mother Hunger can make you believe that all women are competitive and judgmental. Are you ready to be proven wrong?
Hi! My name is Chenelle. I am an official Mother Hunger Facilitator. This means that I have trained with Kelly McDaniel personally to be able to offer my Mother Hunger Groups. I offer groups in person in the DMV area and virtually. When you enter one of my Mother Hunger groups, you step into a safe space. You will be surrounded by a group of women who understand and support you. Your pain will be validated and point of view will be appreciated.
The goals of a Mother Hunger psychoeducational group include providing a supportive space for individuals to explore their experiences of mother hunger, understand its impact on their lives, and learn coping strategies for healing and growth. Through group discussions, psychoeducation, and therapeutic exercises, participants will gain insight into their mother hunger dynamics and develop skills for building healthier relationships and self-esteem.
If you resonate with the experiences shared in this blog and are seeking support for mother hunger, I invite you to sign up for my virtual or in-person mother hunger group. Are you ready for further healing? Look no further! I can also provide therapy on an individual level!
Together, we'll embark on a journey of healing and self-discovery, exploring the complexities of mother-daughter relationships and finding ways to nurture ourselves with compassion and understanding. Reach out today to reserve your spot and take the first step towards healing your mother hunger. Remember, you don't have to navigate this journey alone.
McDaniel, K. (2019). Mother Hunger: How Adult Daughters Can Understand and Heal from Lost Nurturance, Protection, and Guidance. New York, NY: Penguin Random House.