The Ultimate Guide to Tackling Relationship Anxiety

Do you struggle with overwhelming thoughts? Are those thoughts mainly related to the state of your relationships? Do you often fear that your loved ones will abandon you? Or do you feel like you must constantly prove yourself to the people in your life so that they will stick around? This guide will provide tips on tackling those anxious thoughts and help improve your relationships overall.

 Understanding Relationship Anxiety

 Relationship Anxiety is simply an overwhelming amount of anxiety pertaining to relationships. Many people feel like relationship anxiety only occurs in romantic relationships, but relationship anxiety can happen in platonic friendships, co-working relationships, or even relationships with family members.

Some common symptoms of relationship anxiety include:

·      Constantly thinking about the state of your relationship

·      Feeling beneath or less important than most (if not all) the people in your life

·      Worrying that the relationship will end

·      Feeling like you have to prove your worth in your relationships

·      Experiencing fears that you will never find a romantic partner

·      Settling for relationships that are toxic, unhealthy, and/or do not serve you

 Identifying Triggers and Patterns

 Relationship Anxiety is often due to early attachment wounds. Attachment wounds usually occur in childhood and are often a result of a relationship issue with a parent. Children do not have the mental compacity of understanding why parents make certain decisions or react the way they do to stressful situations, so if parents do not work to repair issues in their relationship with their children, this can cause the child to develop relationship anxiety when they become an adult.

 Some common childhood attachment wounds I see as a therapist are:

·      Children who were adopted

·      Children who grew up in a household where they believed a sibling was the favorite

·      Children who had adult responsibilities

·      Children who grew up with parents who confided in them about adult issues

·      Children who witnessed or were victims of any type of abuse in the household

·      Children who felt like their experiences or feelings were not validated or prioritized

·      Children who have had a parent who died early in their life

·      Children who had a parent who was inconsistent in their life

·      Children that did not feel comfortable talking to their parents

·      Children who grew up with parents who prioritized romantic partners over their children

 Again, some circumstances may have been outside of your parents’ control, but children are not able to fully process or comprehend what is happening. This often results in children becoming adults and not understanding why certain situations trigger them. For example, someone may hate when people lie to them to the point where they may overreact. This may be because a parent often lied to them during childhood because the parent felt like the truth would be more damaging. This is understandable, but as a child, this could feel hurtful.

 People who struggle with relationship anxiety often have low self-esteem. This causes them to put up with unhealthy relationship dynamics in their relationships because they feel unworthy in their relationships and they have a fear being alone. In the book “The Betrayal Bind” author Michelle Mays discusses the term betrayal blindness. This term refers to the tendency for people in unhealthy relationships to not allow themselves to see what is going on in their relationship or fully engage with the reality of the relationships because if they did the information would threaten the relationship with the person who is most important to you. This happens to children because believing that their parents are capable of seriously hurting them could feel unbearable. This maladaptive coping skill can continue in adulthood in romantic relationships.

 Another common pattern in relationship anxiety is being attracted to romantic partners who are avoidant. Anxiously attached people are used to chasing their romantic partners. They don’t see a partner who avoids commitment or who makes them feel like they are annoying for having anxiety as concerning. Actually, as a therapist, I find that avoidant people often seek out anxiously attached individuals because they are able to get their need for intimacy met without having to effectively communicate.

 For example, if Bill is avoidant and he wants to connect with his partner, it may feel safer to leave the house during an argument because his anxious partner tends to follow him and initiate the repair of the argument. This often creates a pattern and Bill is feeling connected with his partner without initiating the connection.

 Building Healthy Relationships

 Setting boundaries is an excellent way to improve your relationships. A common misconception I hear as a therapist is the belief that setting boundaries consist of calling someone out in an aggressive way or forcing someone to do things your way. This could not be further from the truth. Setting boundaries involves you explaining how the other person’s actions hurt you and explaining what you will do if they continue to participate in those behaviors.

 For example, if your husband is often late to meet you when you make plans, there is a way to communicate you concerns without being combative or aggressive.

 A more aggressive approach- “I waited for you at the restaurant for over an hour. You are so inconsiderate! I’m leaving and staying at my mom’s house and I don’t know when I’m coming back.”

 Setting a clear boundary- “You were over an hour late to dinner. This is starting to become a pattern. The next time, could you please let me know if you are running late or just cancel if something comes up? If I knew you were going to be late, I could have at least brought my textbooks so I can do some schoolwork while I waited. I have a lot going on in my life and I could have used that time to take care of some of my responsibilities. Moving forward, I will give you a 15-minute grace period when you are running late. If you are more than 15 minutes late, I am leaving.

 In the first example, the person assumed the other person was being inconsiderate. I always encourage my clients to never assume others’ feelings and experiences. It’s best to ask instead of telling someone their experience. Also, it’s great to get some space if you are upset, but that alone does not set a boundary.

 In the second example, the person verbalized how they felt in the situation, how they were inconvenienced, and what they will do if the other person does something similar in the future in order to prioritize themselves. That is how you can set a boundary that lets the other person know that you will no longer allow them to treat you poorly.

4 Tips to Overcome Relationship Anxiety

 Overcoming relationship anxiety doesn’t happen overnight. It usually takes years of learned behavior and hurtful situations that result in anxiety and because of this, it could take years to learn healthy ways to communicate and learn healthy thought patterns. Here are some tips to try on your own to help:

 Tip 1: Evaluate your current relationships

 If you are surrounded by people who disrespect you and do not prioritize your feelings or wellbeing, think about if you really want to keep these people in your life. Sometimes even people who have been in your life for decades or family members can negatively affect your self-esteem and increase your relationship anxiety. Once you no longer surround yourself with toxic energy, you will be surprised at the increase in your self-esteem and decrease in your anxious thoughts.

 Disclaimer: If you are a child or relying on someone you are in a toxic relationship (financially, for childcare, etc.), you may want to think of ways where you can set boundaries without cutting this person out of your life completely. If you aren’t sure how to do this, finding a therapist would be a great way to explore different ideas.

 Tip 2: Identify your triggers

 A trigger is simply something that makes you have a certain feeling. Seeing children playing can trigger happiness. But often times when people refer to triggers, they are referring to something that sparks a negative or painful feeling. As a therapist, I believe that there is always a reason why people respond negatively in situations and those reasons are always valid. It’s important to understand that there is nothing wrong with you if you get triggered. Everyone gets triggered. Learning what those triggers are and learning how to better cope with those triggers are the key to tackling your relationship anxiety.

 Example: Ashley grew up with a mother who told her she was always overreacting or that it was dramatic for her to feel the way she did in many situations. As a result, Ashley becomes very angry when anyone questions her as an adult. A boss may be challenging Ashley in a constructive way, but Ashley still gets triggered and her body takes her back to the pain she felt as a child when her mother would not validate her feelings.

 Identifying Ashley’s trigger for people questioning her is important for Ashley to identify. She can use this information to understand that she may become more upset than others in these situations. Knowing this information, Ashley can assess the situations further to explore if she is becoming triggered or is the other person being inconsiderate.

 Tip 3: Effectively communicate your triggers

 Once you understand your triggers, it’s important to communicate those triggers to your loved ones. If you have a solid support system, they can understand why you react to certain situations so strongly and help you. It can also lead to closer relationships.

 Disclaimer: Remember effective communication does NOT always result in improving relationships. Sometimes people are not able to understand or have empathy for what you’re going through. All you can do is your best on your end. You cannot control how other receive it.

 Tip 4: Find a therapist

 Therapy isn’t for everyone, but it can be extremely beneficial for those who struggle with relationship anxiety. It can be very difficult to evaluate your own negative thoughts by yourself. Finding a professional whose role is to create a space for you to process those thoughts and challenge your negative self-talk can be just what you need to start loving yourself more and improving your relationships. Feel free to reach out to me directly for a FREE 15-minute consultation to learn more about how I can help you with your relationship anxiety. I am passionate about helping my clients begin to love themselves. You cannot overcome relationship anxiety without first loving yourself.