How Daughters Can Honor Their Mothers While Respecting Their Boundaries in 5 Easy Steps

As the founder of Self Cared For Counseling Services, I often educate my clients on the importance of prioritizing their self-care. When most people think of self-care, they think of mani-pedis or vacations. Those are excellent examples of self-care, but an often neglected self-care practice is setting boundaries in your relationships. Setting boundaries can be difficult in any relationship, but as a therapist, I find that my clients significantly struggle with setting boundaries with their mothers. In this blog, I will provide 5 steps on how to honor your mother on Mother’s Day while also setting and prioritizing your own boundaries.

 Understanding Boundaries in the Mother-Daughter Relationship 

The word boundary has become a common topic of discussion, often referring to someone not respecting your wishes in certain situations. But what is the definition of boundary? The definition I often use for boundary is simply a limit that you create to protect yourself. For example, if your mother often asks you to come over to help with one task and then piles on additional tasks while you are there, there are ways where you can set boundaries for future situations.

 Maybe the next time you go to your mother’s house, you can explain that you don’t mind coming over to help her, but you need to leave by 2 pm because you have a prior engagement. Or you could let her know that you only have time to complete that one task, but if she needs you to do anything else, you can schedule some time to take care of those tasks at a later date.

 Many people feel like setting boundaries means that you have a confrontational conversation to tell the other person how they’ve wronged you or place ultimatums on the other person. As explained in the examples above, setting boundaries can simply look like processing what you’d like in a situation and then explaining to the other person what you will do in any given situation. So instead of demanding that your mother stop asking you to do so many tasks when you come over, you can let her know ahead of time that you are only able to do a certain number of tasks or you can only stay for a certain amount of time. You want to refrain from telling the other person to do something and instead, tell the person your plans or intentions. 

 Because society often tells us that women lose their entire identity when they become mothers, families often create dynamics with little to no boundaries. You often see mothers not practicing their own self-care in order to prioritize the wants and needs of their children. Or you may even see a different dynamic where mothers demand that their children tend to their every need and desire no matter how inconvenient this may be to the child. These are examples of poor boundaries in parent-child relationships. A family with poor boundaries results in the children growing up and not knowing how to properly set boundaries as adults. 

 When sons and daughters become adults, it can be difficult to move away from the family dynamics that create poor boundaries within the family. This often leaves family members experiencing anxious symptoms as a result. As a therapist, I see many, many daughters who struggle with boundary issues in their relationships with their mothers. They often fear their mother will abandon them. I also see adult daughters feeling guilty when they do not comply with their mother’s wishes because of the sacrifices their mothers have made for them their entire lives.

 Why It’s Important for Daughters to Prioritize Their Own Boundaries on Mother’s Day

 The Mother’s Day Holiday can be triggering for various reasons. Some common triggers I see with my clients include:

·      The grief of losing a mother.

·      Daughters who were adopted and do not have relationships with their birth mothers.

·      Grieving the mother-daughter relationship you wish you had with your mother.

·      Feeling pressure to honor your mother in a special way.

 Even though Mother’s Day is traditionally a day to honor your mother and show her how much you appreciate her, your boundaries are also important. I often see clients who prioritize the needs of everyone else around them and they are left feeling exhausted and depleted. If you feel like this, you are not alone and there are ways where you can nurture your loved ones without taking away from yourself.

 Ways Daughters Can Honor Their Mothers While Respecting Their Boundaries on Mother’s Day

 Step 1 in setting boundaries on Mother’s Day is thinking about what you want to do. In a perfect world, how would you spend Mother’s Day? If you are a mother yourself, this may include spending time with your own children or with your mother-in-law. Maybe you’d like to have breakfast with your mother and spend the rest of the day binge-watching your favorite reality show.

 My belief is that everyone should prioritize themselves. When we go through life only thinking of others, we risk damaging our mental and/or physical health. Have you ever heard of the saying, my cup runneth over or you can’t pour from an empty cup? These popular sayings are encouraging us to fill up our own cups, meaning we must take care of ourselves. Then we will have an abundance of love and energy to give to the people around us. We give others the extra liquid that is coming from the cup. So, my cup runneth over and I will be giving the extra liquid, not the liquid inside the cup, because that is for me. Once we start giving away what is inside of our cup, that is when our cup becomes empty and we feel depleted.

Step 2 in setting boundaries on Mother’s Day is thinking about your specific relationship with your mother and thinking of things that have kept you from setting boundaries in the past. It’s important to take your personal situation and relationship with your mother into consideration when you are thinking about how to set boundaries. How I would set boundaries with my mother may be different than how you would do it. This is because there are plenty of things that need to be considered before you start setting boundaries and every person and relationship is different. Here is a list of common examples:

·      Does your mother assist or provide for you financially? Or does your mother often babysit or provide childcare? If so, you want to really think about if setting a certain boundary may hinder your financial security or your self-care regimen if you no longer have childcare.

·      Does your mother have mental health issues that make it difficult for you to communicate with her? Having mental health issues does not make it impossible for you to set boundaries, however, this is something to consider when setting boundaries in order to set realistic boundaries. This is especially true for those who struggle with significant cognitive decline like Dementia.

·      Do you live with your mother? Again, it is not impossible to set boundaries with your mother if you live together, but it does require some creativity when thinking of boundaries to set. This is because a lot of boundaries can be set simply by limiting your mother’s access to you. This is difficult when you live in the same household.

·      Do you fear retaliation if you set boundaries? Examples of retaliation include your mother refusing to help with something in the future that is important to you, physically assaulting you as a result of setting a boundary, turning other loved ones against you as a result of boundary setting, or hindering communication with younger siblings in your mother’s care. These are things to consider when you are setting a boundary. If you are ready to set boundaries, be prepared to deal with retaliation, especially if your mother has done these things before.

Step 3 is thinking of a way to state your boundaries in a way that will be the most receptive to your mother. Don’t get me wrong, you cannot control how others respond to you or your boundaries. But if you are concerned about hurting your mother’s feelings, think about ways where you can communicate your boundaries without attacking her. Stick to language that focuses on how you feel instead of how she made you feel something.

For example, instead of saying “I am tired of spending all day with you on Mothers Day. It is selfish for you to assume that I will prioritize you over my own relaxation and time with my in-laws”. I will only spend an hour with you because you are selfish.” You can say something like “Last year, I spent 2 hours driving to your house for breakfast and then I had to drive an additional hour to my mother-in-law’s house for dinner. This left me with little time to relax and enjoy my Mother’s Day. I would still love to celebrate you, so do you think we could meet halfway at a restaurant this year? That would really help cut the time down driving around and I can sleep in!”. You are still setting the boundary, but you are also expressing your desire to spend time with your mom.

Step 4 is staying consistent with your boundary. Refrain from setting a boundary and then not following through. Or setting a boundary and then not setting the boundary in a similar situation in the future. You have to teach people how to treat you. If you are not consistent with the boundaries you set, then your mother will start to not take your boundaries seriously. If you set boundaries in the future, she may not respect those boundaries or she may think that you won’t follow through. You can always try to set boundaries again in the future, it just may be met with more pushback.

The final step, step 5 is to reflect on your experience when setting your boundary. This is the most important step because after further reflection, you may want to do things differently in the future. Maybe you were too passive when stating your boundary. That’s ok! You can be more assertive next time. Or maybe your mother violated your boundary in a way that you didn’t expect. Again, it’s ok! Next time, you can account for that and set your boundary accordingly.

Finding a therapist is an excellent way to provide yourself with a safe space to bounce ideas and explore your specific challenges with setting boundaries. A therapist can also help you get to the root of why boundary setting is so difficult for you. Finding the root of your issues will help you to refrain from the behaviors that cause poor boundaries in your relationships. This can allow you to start relationships with a great foundation of respect and healthy relationship dynamics.

If you live in the states of Maryland, Virginia, Washington, D.C., or Florida and you’d like to learn more about I can help you with setting boundaries in your relationship, click here to schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation to learn more about how I can help you feel more secure and confident in your relationships.

Maybe you are not ready to jump into therapy, but you feel like you can benefit from some guidance from a professional to set better boundaries with your mother. Or maybe you are still grieving the loss of your mother, click here to learn more about my Mother Hunger Groups. You can participate in this virtual group no matter where you live. This is not a psychotherapy group. This is a psychoeducational group that provides you with a safe space to start the process of healing. The first step of healing is learning more about your specific issues. The Mother Hunger Group is a great first step to learning more about how to start prioritizing yourself in your relationship with your mother. 

The beauty of Mother Hunger Groups is being surrounded by other women who understand the pain that takes place when the relationship with your mother is not a safe relationship. Start setting boundaries and prioritizing yourself by getting guidance from a professional. You are worth it!