Love Is Blind Reaction Blog: Jackie Has an Avoidant Attachment Style
Have you seen the most recent batch of episodes of Love is Blind?!?! Jackie clearly has an avoidant attachment style, but I must admit, she had some valid points during her argument with Marshall. I am a licensed therapist and I am giving my reaction to Jackie and Marshall’s most recent argument in Love is Blind Season 4. I will also provide tips for others who may have similar behaviors to Jackie and Marshall in this episode. There’s no shade, but there are healthier ways to advocate for yourself.
Love is not Blind for Jackie
Jackie seemed to fall for Marshall in the pods, sight unseen. As a viewer, it seemed like she was completely turned off once Marshall did his cute little dance during the reveal. Jackie has made it clear that she wants a “manly” man and that Marshall does not fit in this category. Things seemed to really unravel when Jackie requested more aggressive behaviors in the bedroom. I think it’s great that Jackie knows what she wants and has no issues with sharing those desires with her partner. However, I feel like it is really important to approach these topics very delicately. No man likes to have their manhood questioned, especially when you use phrases like “man up” or “boss up”. In my experience, this usually results in the man becoming defensive.
Marshall Refers to Jackie as a “Project”
Now, this is when we see a completely different side of Marshall. Once Jackie started to make negative comments about Marshall’s inactivity in the bedroom, Marshall told Jackie that the reason why he chose Jackie in the pods is because he saw her as a project. Now Marshall quickly apologized for his choice of words and clarified that he saw Jackie’s potential. I will say that Marshall’s choice of words was a little harsh, but I do admire him for correcting himself in the moment once he saw how offended Jackie was. I also think that you risk getting this reaction when you make comments about a man’s manhood or your dissatisfaction in the bedroom so flippantly.
The Argument at Midnight
Jackie and Marshall had another argument once they got home from another cast member’s birthday party. Jackie was clearly exhausted and wanted to go to bed and Marshall wanted to discuss the status of their relationship. Jackie asked if they could table this conversation until the next day and Marshall ignored Jackie’s request and continued to engage in an argument with Jackie.
This is where I feel Marshall went wrong. Jackie was not asking for Marshall to never bring this topic up again. She simply asked if they could wait to discuss this until the next day. This is a reasonable request. I get that Jackie’s delivery could have been a bit more respectful, but she clearly needed some time and space before she could continue the conversation and Marshall did not respect that request. Also, who wants to have these difficult conversations at midnight when you have to go to work the next day?!?!
The Avoidant vs The Anxious Attachment Style
I am a licensed therapist, but I am only commenting on what I see on the screen. I do not know Marshall or Jackie personally or clinically, so I do not know for certain their history or conversations that have taken place off-screen.
Marshall seems to have an anxious attachment style. People with this attachment style often worry excessively about the state of their relationships. We often see this play out in their romantic relationships, but it can also affect their platonic and familial relationships. This season, you see a few scenes where Marshall wants to discuss the state of his relationship with Jackie and Jackie seems resistant.
I see clients fall into these dynamics with their partners often. Marshall and Jackie have seemed to create a dynamic where Marshall is seen as the over-emotional partner and Jackie is resistant to emotional conversations and more laid back and fun. Sure there may be times when Marshall becomes anxious, but that doesn’t mean his anxiety and concern isn’t valid. I feel like Marshall had gut feelings that Jackie was pulling away and he tried to repair the relationship by talking through those issues.
Jackie on the other hand, seems to present with an avoidant attachment style. People with this attachment style tend to avoid becoming emotionally close or connected with others. You see this play out in a few scenes with Jackie avoiding Marshall’s attempts to work through their issues. What I find is people with avoidant attachment styles are often attracted to people with anxious attachment styles because they are able to get their needs met of being emotionally connected with another person without having to initiate the closeness. For example, you often see Marshall initiating emotional conversations this season. This way, Jackie was able to feel close to Marshall without initiating the conversation.
Tips for Those With Avoidant Attachment Styles
Jackie requested that she and Marshall continue the conversation regarding the state of their relationship the next day. This is a great tip I give my clients with avoidant tendencies. People with an avoidant attachment style tend to avoid emotional conversations and often try to ignore them all together. There is a difference between ignoring your problems and not addressing them at all and taking some time to process your feelings and addressing your concerns at a later time.
As a person who can get anxious in my relationships, I understand Marshall's frustration. When I am ready to talk about something with a loved one, it can be frustrating when they put the conversation off. But at the same time, it’s not all about me. If your partner is not in the right headspace to have the conversation, you risk having an unhealthy and unhelpful interaction if you push them to discuss things in the moment.
If Marshall would have respected Jackie’s request to table to the conversation, the next interaction could have been a lot healthier and beneficial to the relationship. Since he chose to ignore her request, he made Jackie feel unheard and her feelings unprioritized. Jackie also referred to this being the last straw for her in a recent episode.
A great way of requesting to table a conversation is by saying something like “I need some time to process what you just said and really think about my answer to you before I can continue this conversation. I am afraid that if we continue to speak at this time, I may say some things that I would regret. I need to take some time to calm down and I promise that we can address this tomorrow after I get some rest.” This way, you are acknowledging the need to continue the conversation, but you are also setting boundaries and verbalizing a healthy coping skill you are using.
Tips for Those With Anxious Attachment Styles
When Jackie asked Marshall to continue the conversation the next day, Marshall stated that he felt like doing so is only benefiting Jackie and not his desire to talk things through. I feel like this would only be true if Jackie told Marshall that they will never talk about it and dismissed his feelings completely. If you find yourself getting preoccupied with anxious thoughts about your relationship, here are some tips to help you process those thoughts in a healthy way:
Identify any evidence to support your anxious thoughts. Sometimes our anxious thoughts are due to past experiences that have nothing to do with our current partner or are due to our own triggers from past trauma. But if you feel like your partner is doing something shady or suspicious, don’t let your partner or anyone else put you in a category where you are just too sensitive or too anxious. Just because you have some anxious tendencies doesn’t mean that your instincts are always wrong. For example, if your partner has cheated on you before and now you are having trouble trusting them, your worries are justified because your partner has already destroyed the trust in your relationship. On the other hand, if you don’t like your partner having friends of the opposite sex because your ex cheated on you with a friend of theirs, you may want to explore if your current partner has given you any reason to doubt them and challenge those anxious thoughts a bit.
Bounce your anxious thoughts off a trusted loved one. Be careful because just because you are close with someone, doesn’t mean that you need to value their opinions about your relationship. If you are confiding in someone about your anxious thoughts, make sure it is someone that you trust in their judgment. If they agree with you, you may be justified in your anxious thoughts, but if they don’t you may want to consider challenging those thoughts.
Talk to a Therapist for Further Support
Another great option is to reach out to a therapist or counselor for support. A therapist can be a great person to bounce your thoughts off of because we have no skin in the game. Loved ones can be biased at times and a therapist could provide you with great insight because we are completely out of your personal relationships. If you reside in Maryland, Virginia, Washington, D.C., or Florida and you’d like to learn more about how I can help you with relationship anxiety or issues with your relationship in general, go to my contact page to schedule a FREE 15-minute consultation. You will be surprised at how processing your anxious thoughts with a professional can change your negative self-talk and improve your relationships overall!